Sleeping in Church

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. “Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?”

“I have an idea,” said the minister. “Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg.”

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. “And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?” he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

“Jesus!”, Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

“Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,” said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. “Who is your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

“God!” Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

“Right again,” said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, “And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?”

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, “You stick that thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half and shove it up your a**!”

“Amen,” replied the congregation.

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Nice MORAL story

Nice Moral Story A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and s o on until you get a response." That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response so, He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; "James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!" Moral of the story: The problem may not be with the other one as we always think, could be very much within us!

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Mood swings during pregnancy

Why have I been so moody lately?

It's common to have mood swings during pregnancy, because of hormonal changes that affect your levels of neurotransmitters (chemical messengers in the brain) and the broad range of feelings you may have about becoming a parent. Everyone responds differently to these changes. Some moms-to-be experience heightened emotions, both good and bad; others feel more depressed or anxious. Most find that moodiness flares up at around 6 to 10 weeks, eases up in the second trimester, and then reappears as their pregnancy winds to a close.

Pregnancy can be a stressful and overwhelming time. You may be overjoyed at the thought of having a baby one day, and then just as quickly begin wondering what you've gotten yourself into. You may be worried about whether you'll be a good mom, whether the baby will be healthy, and how the cost of adding a child to your household will affect your family's future finances. And you may worry about how your relationship with your partner and your other children will be affected — whether you'll still be able to give them the attention they need.

Even if your baby is very much wanted, at times you may have mixed feelings about the pregnancy and what's ahead. That's not surprising, considering that the expectations we set for parents are so high these days, and the pressure starts even before the baby is born. You may be constantly wondering: Am I reading the right books? Am I buying the right products? Will I know how to stimulate my child's development properly and build his self-esteem?

In the meantime, your body's changing and you may be feeling unattractive in your own or your partner's eyes. You may be worried about putting on too much weight or looking "fat" as your body expands to accommodate pregnancy, while at the same time feeling that you can't exercise as much as you might want to or used to.

Finally, the physical symptoms of pregnancy, such as heartburn, fatigue, and frequent urination, can also be a burden. It's not uncommon to feel like you've lost control over your body and your life during this time. All these concerns may take your emotions on a roller-coaster ride.

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Two NUNS

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!


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The law of the garbage truck

Beware of Garbage Trucks

How often do you let other people's nonsense change your mood?

Do you let a bad driver, rude waiter, curt boss, or an insensitive employee ruin your day? Unless you're the Terminator, for an instant you're probably set back on your heels. However, the mark of a successful person is how quickly one can get back their focus on what's important.

Sixteen years ago I learned this lesson. I learned it in the back of a New York City taxi cab. Here's what happened.

I hopped in a taxi, and we took off for Grand Central Station. We were driving in the right lane when, all of a sudden, a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car's back end by just inches!

The driver of the other car, the guy who almost caused a big accident, whipped his head around and he started yelling bad words at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was friendly. So, I said, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!"

And this is when my taxi driver told me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck."

"Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it. And if you let them, they'll dump it on you.

When someone wants to dump on you, don't take it personally. You just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. You'll be happy you did."

So this was it: The "Law of the Garbage Truck." I started thinking, how often do I let Garbage Trucks run right over me? And how often do I take their garbage and spread it to other people: at work, at home, on the streets? It was that day I said, "I'm not going to do it anymore."

I began to see garbage trucks. Like in the movie "The Sixth Sense," the little boy said, "I see Dead People."

Well, now "I see Garbage Trucks." I see the load they're carrying. I see them coming to drop it off. And like my Taxi Driver, I don't make it a personal thing; I just smile, wave, wish them well, and I move on.

One of my favorite football players of all time, Walter Payton, did this every day on the football field. He would jump up as quickly as he hit the ground after being tackled. He never dwelled on a hit. Payton was ready to make the next play his best. Good leaders know they have to be ready for their next meeting.

Good parents know that they have to welcome their children home from school with hugs and kisses.
Leaders and parents know that they have to be fully present, and at their best for the people they care about.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let Garbage Trucks take over their day.

What about you? What would happen in your life, starting today, if you let more garbage trucks pass you by?

Here's my bet. You'll be happier.

Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so. Love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don't. Believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance , TAKE IT!
If it changes your life , LET IT!
Nobody said it would be easy...
They just promised it would be worth it!

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Labor Pains

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

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Dinner with the girlfriend's parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.


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HEALTH WARNING

Supermarket Shelf Poisons


Anybody that takes Vitamin C (and most people should) must avoid the following Soft drinks: Sunkist, Fanta, Diet Coke, Sprite, & Pepsi Max. (ALL fruit juices, for that matter, contain the preservative sodium (or potassium) BENZOATE. Avoid.)

These drinks contain Sodium Benzoate 211 on the label. A chemical reaction between Vitamin C and Sodium Benzoate creates Benzene, a highly Carcinogenic chemical (story by Channel 9) and the major cause of childhood leukemia.

Benzene has the ability to severely damage the DNA in the Mitochondria to the point that it totally inactivates it, knocks it out altogether. The Mitochondria consumes Oxygen to give you energy, and if you damage it, then the cell starts to malfunction very seriously, often fatally, a whole array of Diseases has been tied to the damage to the DNA, including Parkinson's Disease and quite a lot of Neuro-Degenerative Diseases..


This is a follow-up of all the TV station's story on Mentos and Diet Coke. Don't mix these two either, they cause a chemical reaction (explosion) in the stomach, it's not only Mentos but also any Mint products. Mint Life Savers, Tic Tac's, Cool Mint's, etc, the Mint is not the culprit here but the Aspartame in the Diet Drinks, 951 on the label, also avoid 950 Acelsultame F (same thing). Aspartame poisoning has been scientifically linked to 92 Symptoms of Disease ... Still going to drink your Diet Drinks???




Most European countries have forbidden the Importing and use in their Country of Aspartame including all makes of Saccharin, example Equal, Nutra-Sweet, Spoonful & Diet Drinks, including 6,000 consumer Good's and Beverages sold on the Supermarket shelves . this ban affect's all use of this product in any type of consumables. Infringement will carry penalties that go from 9.000 euros to 90,000 Euros.

Mexico is also considering banning all 6,000 products of Aspartame from its Supermarket shelves. In Mexico Aspartame is known as Rumsfeld's Disease, after Donald Rumsfeld. The Nutra-Sweet company and Searle are owned by Monsanto who appointed Rumsfeld as their General Manager, so they could use his clout with government to get this Deadly Poison passed by the FDA and boost their sales of Aspartame.


Avoid all Toothpastes made in China , especially Colgate's. They contain Ethylene Glycol.. This is an Anti-Freezing agent, Highly Toxic and even Fatal -- it destroys the Liver, Kidney, Lung, Blood Cells, Heart and the Nervous System. It is also in some Mouth Washes, Make-up, Aftershave, Baby Powder and Wipes, Shampoo, and Deodorants.

Avoid Smarties; they contain almost every Toxic artificial colour on the market. The worst are 102, 104, and the worst of all 110 Carcinogenic, 124 undesirable, 127 Carcinogenic 128 Extreme Caution, 129,131, and 133 are also carcinogenic. To top it off Smarties are not even made of Chocolate (neither are Tim Tam's). Synthetic Chocolate has no nutritional food value whatsoever.

Read your labels -- it may one day save your life.

PLEASE SHARE.....
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ADJUSTING TO MARRIED LIFE

This couple has only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, can't wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies.
He says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going coochy coo...?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a
beer."

The wife says to him, "You want a beer, my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie... but the bar... you know... the frozen glass..."

He doesn't get to finish the sentence, when thewife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she is getting the chills holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at
the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: buffalo wings, nachos mushroom caps, chicken strips, etc.

"But sweet honey... at the bar... you know... the swearing, the
dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...
DRINK YOUR F**KING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN F**KING MUG AND EAT YOUR F**KING DAMN SNACKS BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE!! GOT IT A**HOLE?!!"
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10 Tips for a good massage partner

This is the english version from the Blog ( "SEX AND FETISH" )


This very well that in the preliminaries before .. but because a good relaxing massage, sometimes one does not feel like due to stress, fatigue, monotony or time. But such a masajito if you do it properly, with clamors, unhurried, not focusing all your attention if you not the person to whom it is addressed, I can assure you that she or the course will reward you amply.

1) Eat light before the massage. There is no better time to try a light menu and 100% based aphrodisiac oysters, strawberries and champagne.

2) the room properly acclimatize. The ideal temperature: 25 degrees. It should be a warm environment for muscles to relax and have a full body massage. Bear in mind that you will bare!

3) To foster an atmosphere Zen: dims the lights and disconnected the phone to not bother you. A gentle and relaxing music background create the right atmosphere. You can also evaporate into the atmosphere so that the essential oil aroma is nice: 3 drops of orange oil will relax tension.

4) Create a comfortable place: Place soft cushions on the bed, the couch or floor, use soft blankets or towels thick and warm, pleasant to the skin.

5) Invest in oil massage. Choose something that is fluid and fat to slide your hands or by the skin. Avoid paraffin oil, which is a chemical and vegetable oil decántate biológico. As for the smell, the choice is yours: sweet almond, macadamia, sesame, apricot ...

6) Remove jewelry and cut the nails to avoid scratching the couple.

7) Address the feelings of others: the pressure varies according to their reactions. You can feel her breathing.

8) Change technique: rubbing, kneading, pinching, massaging, pressing ... And above all, prevent scarring and varicose veins.

9) Share: The erotic massage is primarily an exchange of papers, and therefore feelings.

10) Let the imagination: Toggles your kisses and caresses with mimes, you know just what he likes your partner!
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